Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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