She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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