i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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