My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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