Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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