Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
