She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
