I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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