I feel like abortions should bother me more
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
