Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
