The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Watching her eat just hurts me
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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