There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
