Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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