dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
