i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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