i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
