So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
