That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't put those talents on a resume
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
