I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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