need another drink. this is the easiest way
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize