my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
