How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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