Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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