Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize