fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
