Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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