The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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