Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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