Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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