didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
