my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
