FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize