I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
