btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
