Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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