im about as happy as oj after his trial
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
His nipple licking is glorious
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