I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
