my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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