Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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