My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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