So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
