Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
