my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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