My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize