Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
