dude i'm inner monologue high
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
