The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
