So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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