so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
