It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
