Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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