Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
