Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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