we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
