remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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