he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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