At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
