Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
