and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
