I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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