then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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