Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
