I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
