did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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