Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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