New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
