I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
