Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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