I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Michael Bay diarrhea
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
